Dr. Muhammad Shamsaddin Megalommatis
June 21, 2008
As I promised to gradually publish online this original research that has been supervised by the leading Oromo philologist Asafa Tefera Dibaba (editor of Ms. Moreda´s dissertation), in the present article I publish the entire Chapter 3 and the part of Chapter 4 (Data Presentation and Interpretation) that concerns the data Ms. Opsan Moreda collected for the needs of her fascinating study. In forthcoming articles, I will publish the data interpretation and the conclusions of Ms. Opsan Moreda, and then comment extensively on the affinities between marriage ceremonies and marriage counseling among the Ancient Egyptians and Kushitic Ethiopians and the Modern Oromos.
The present parts reveal Ms. Moreda´s ability to deal with her subject in an academically systematic and pertinent way, and bring forth a treasure of Kushitic Oromo traditions, proverbs and data that corroborate the high culture, the spiritual strength and the unshakable interconnectedness of the Oromo society – despite more than a century of Semitic Abyssinian political tyranny. Even more so, as Ms. Opsan Moreda´s focus of study was on the Salale Oromos, a region with largely Orthodox Christian Oromos; yet, as Ms. Opsan Moreda states "Waaqa is on the tip of their tongue in almost all courses of life to bless or to curse, to express fear or hope, failure or success".
Chapter 3 – Methods of the Study
3.1 Research design
This research uses a qualitative method of data collection, presentation and interpretation. The study primarily focuses on first-hand information gathered from elders, community leaders, traditional counselors and their clients.
The research tools include those most widely used methods of qualitative data such as in-depth interviews and observations. Since the most commonly used method of qualitative research is interviewing, note-takings and audiotape recordings were part of the data collecting tools.
Qualitative research method is used because it enables the researcher to use different techniques to grasp a social phenomena as well as to see into the socio-cultural nature of Oromo traditional marriage counseling from the viewpoint of the natives. In line with this, the researcher has conducted in-depth individual interviews and discussions with community elders, counselors and clients to gain exposure to the detailed narrative accounts of the themes and patterns of traditional Oromo marriage counseling in that particular socio-cultural milieu.
Thus, the study focuses on the primary data collected from Oromo traditional counselors and clients.
3.2 Informants
In this study initial deliberate contact with potential sources of information suggested further people to be approached for interview or discussion, i.e., a ´snowball´ technique was also used. Interviewees were carefully selected using deliberate sampling and the ´snowball´ sampling technique.
During the interviews counselors were asked how, when, why and what they offer in the counseling practices, and to whom, to bring about some positive change to the individual client in his/her lifetime. All community elders are not necessarily counselors. But there are notable community elders people consult under normal circumstances and to seek some coping mechanisms in adversities. The researcher has deliberately recruited such elderly peoples presumably to gain adequate data relevant to the problem at hand, which, of course, proved workable.
The tribal and community leaders involved in this study are well versed and skilled in ways of conflict resolution, offering advice, counseling, and information relevant to marriage.
3.3 Sample selection and size
The researcher chose a purposeful sampling technique and a ´snowball´ sampling method. That is, since potential knowledgeable informants are few in number in the research area and presumably well known for their public counseling services, it was necessary to start with some initial contacts suggesting further respondents to be conducted by the researcher. Therefore, deliberate sampling and snowball sampling helped the researcher to select the participants for the in-depth individual interviews and discussions.
Hence, subjects participated in the study are: 7 elders (5males and 2 females) above 60 years of age, 4 betrothed young (2 males and 2 females) clients received traditional marriage counseling before marriage; 2 men and 2 women clients received traditional marriage counseling before and in-marriage, and 2 men and 2women whose divorce cases were resolved by traditional conflict resolution methods under viable customary laws.
3.4 Study area
The study was conducted in three kebeles (Ali-Doro, Lemman, and Ganda-Shano) of one district (Dagam) in Salale, north-west Showa. The researcher deliberately selected the location since she comes from this area herself to possibly contact potential respondents by starting with initial contacts leading on to further informants.
3.5 Research instruments
The data collecting tools in this research are purposeful and ´snowball´ sampling (semi-structured), in-depth individual interviews and discussions in the process of collecting data between February-April 2008. Observation was also another method used to collect data for the study.
a) In-depth individual interview
An in-depth individual interview was conducted with seven community elders/traditional counselors, two men and two women divorcees who were clients of traditional marriage counseling while in marriage, on divorce and post-divorce. Other respondents, two men and two women were clients of in-marriage counseling. Two females and two males who are betrothed and receiving pre-marriage counseling were also interviewed. It is generally understood that almost all the respondents had exposure, in one way or another, to pre-marriage traditional counseling.
During the course of in-depth interview, the researcher introduced the purpose of the study and informed the anonymity of the respondent for the purpose of building confidence fro thorough discussions. The introduction also included seeking permission to record the interview on an audio-tape recorder, before commencing the interview.
b) Interview / Discussion setting
Interviews were mostly conducted in the respondent´s house with all the hospitalities and generosity accompanied the interview/discussion.
3.6 Data recording
Since the verbal messages are the primary sources produced by the informants, the verbal responses, statements, opinions, arguments and interactions of the respondents had to be carefully recorded by the researcher for later use. That was made with each participant´s proper introduction of her/himself for voice identification during transcription. The researcher also took written short notes while taking care of the full account of the respondent´s information as well as the nature and format of the interview.
It is imperative that data collecting involves ethical issues. Therefore, the researcher had to ask each respondent´s permission to record their responses on an audio-cassette tape and that their name to remain anonymous.
3.7 Data presentation and interpretation
The narratives and textual data collected are large. Thus, to transcribe the data, label and categorize the interview transcripts in such a systematic fashion is by itself very demanding and awesome.
All the interviews and discussions and the observation were carefully documented and transcribed into English in an attempt to maintain originality and sense of meaning in the emerging themes and patterns of the traditional Oromo marriage counseling. The emergent themes and patterns are meanings of the narratives and texts and their most important features interpreted in this study in a critical and coherent form. Hence, the data were presented in a narrative form with extracts from original texts deemed relevant and important to illustrate major findings of the study and make the organic whole, namely, themes and patterns of traditional Oromo marriage counseling more consistent, if not comprehensive.
Chapter 4 – Data Presentation and Interpretation
4.1.Data presentation
This chapter presents the themes and patterns of the research, i.e., findings of the research and interpretation. In the first part of the chapter, data and findings are presented. In the remaining parts of the chapter, interpretation of the data and findings are discussed.
4.1.1 Social organization, religion, social and moral thoughts
The Salale are socially organized into qehees known as clusters (warra), almost in all cases, based on close blood-ties or pedigree. Surrounding each household of the clusters and lineages are perennial trees (e.g., eucalyptus), acacia, cactus plants and high piles of stones known as kaabii hedging each house and homestead. The cluster includes parents, married sons and grandparents, other extended families or close kin and dependants. Clusters form ganda or a village. Each village is headed by a community-elder called abbaa quunna, also known as abbaa lagaa, abbaa burqaa, or abbaa biyya. The position is held by eligible families in the village. According to this tradition, only the first-born son of the abbaa quunnaa is entitled to hold this social responsibility of the laga/burqaa or ganda (village) when the father abbaa quunnaa dies or becomes inactive and unable to give the public services. Among the social and cultural responsibilities of the abbaa quunnaa are: settling disputes, offering counseling, performing rituals, reflecting public interests to concerned bodies, and maintaining peace, harmony and stability between man and man and man and Waaqa, God. Most importantly, abbaa qehee ratifies, implements and guides the community to live up to the seera biyyaa, i.e., customary law. He is equally responsible to train his elder son about endorsing customary laws, performing rituals, maintaining social and moral orders, handling issues related to public interests, and working cooperatively with other community elders on the common good, etc. As the son grows up, he starts by attending different cases like conflict resolution, traditional contractual marriage agreements, ´jarssummaa´ etc to practice along his father´s apprenticeship and under his close supervision.
Each ganda of same clusters makes a ganda / kebele under one aanaa / district with other sister kebeles having one abbaa quunnaa each. Center for a command post for all abbaa quunnaas is Odaa nabee, East Showa. All community representatives of the area come together to set and endorse new heera and seera, modify the existing ones, discuss the finna or the common factors thought to affect the common good of the people. Decisive issues such as extra-marital affairs known as irree, for instance, calls for the deliberation of all abbaa qe´ees to re-consider the existing social customs and folk beliefs. Consulting elders of adjacent villages is very common. Especially when there is a serious problem among the community or to settle certain disputes that threaten the well-being of the society, elders ask for help and support of the community, which makes a general assembly.
In discussing the social organization of the Salale Oromo, the vertical relationship among the close kin is set along the cline called hobo-coora, i.e., abbaa-ilma/intala to keep intact the father-child moral / safuu relationship and maintain in order. The knowledge of this vertical social organization is mainly to check against such immoral acts as incest-taboos and other self-doubting relations related to endogamous marriage. Marriage among the Oromo, like other Oromo tribes, is exogamous. Another such line of kinship is the horizontal relationship among the hiriya, those belonging to same age-set as presented next.
Informant 1 told the research that the Oromo concept of safuu constitutes the ethical basis upon which all human action should be founded. According to this informant safuu is that which directs one on the right path. The violation of this divine moral and social order inflicts one the wrath of Waaqa. Safuu shows the way life can best be lived.
This informant and others confirm that by Salale Oromo tradition, like other Oromo tribes, customary laws are issued and enacted in line with this divine moral and social order, safuu. Social, religious and cultural practices have rules, procedures and serious purposes. The customary laws of marriage, children, women, men, family, neighbour, rites and ritual sites, cooperative works, animals, beasts and environment are issued and endorsed to maintain morality, humanity and identity of members of the community in particular and preserve healthy relationship between Uumaa (Creator) and Uumama (Creation) in general .
Even if the Salale in this region are largely Orthodox Christians, but Waaqa is on the tip of their tongue in almost all courses of life to bless or to curse, to express fear or hope, failure or success. It is no exaggeration to say that Waaqa is their point of reference in every aspect of the Salale day-to-day life activities deemed as religion, worldview, and social and moral order. The researcher has come to infer from the informants religious view that the Oromo monotheistic belief in One God shares several features with Christianity: God in Trinity; the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, that They are not three Gods, but One God. To settle serious cases as gumaa, i.e., blood price, to pray for enough rain or to reverse a plague, famine, war or any similar adverse condition in their life, the Salale summon upon Waaqa. Children are told not to swear by Waaqa when they know they lie. Waaqa is believed to be Dhugaa (True), hence ´Dhugaa´ is a word of swear to show one is ´True´.
The Salale Oromo traditional religious practices and rituals are presided over by such functionaries possessed of ayyaana, or spirits as Booranticha, Abbaa Ganuu, Jiilcha, Haadha Abbayyi, Giftii Elemoo, and Cooka.
4.1.2 Marriage among the Salale Oromo
Marriage is one of the solemn and formal social institutions among the Salale. There have been five types of marriage practices among the Salale. These are: kadhaa / kennata, aseennaa, aqaqaal (ol-kuftuu and gad-kuftuu), buttaa/butii and dhaala. The difference varies from the conventional pre-marital normative procedures to the nature of the traditional contractual agreement as solemn marriage processes. Currently kadhaa / kennata and fedhii / ol-kuftuu are the most popular marriage practices in the region.
a) Kadhaa ykn Kennata / Cida
Kadhaa ykn Kennata marriage is practiced when the boy´s parent have come to believe that their son is now mature to get married. Tradition has it that when the boy is physically and mentally thought to be mature enough to assume such a social responsibility as marriage, the parents start to think about making him a lovely home of his own, literally means, abidda isaatiin gahuu. Whether or not one is ready for marriage is measured by his successfully tackling responsibilities granted to him through time at every point in his age-grades to the present. The parent selects him a mate thought to be suitable after a long time thorough investigation, which involves genealogical, moral and economic background study. Though it is an arranged marriage, the boy may be given chance to look for a suitable girl and propose to the parents. While selecting a mate focus is on the girl´s personal quality and appearance, her family background and other relational factors. When decided at the boy´s own choice and/or the parent´s, an elderly delegate of the go-between take the proposal formally to the girl´s parent. If she and her parents agree, fixed dates of continuous meetings scheduled until the dowry and wedding day is decided. As the wedding day approaches, the boy and the parents arrange best men for the wedding, and start to prepare for the feast, which is on both sides a must, as to meet the public demands.
a) Ol-kuftuu
This is a traditional marriage where the parents of both the girl and the boy do not have knowledge of the relationship of the two, while a boy and a girl have love relationship secretly. It is also known as fedhii, to show that the relation is based on the mutual agreement of the two. Once the parents know the relationship, they do not involve in any kind of the decision-making about the relationship. This type of traditional marriage follows the normal route as that of the kadhaa, once parents are informed.
4.1.3 Traditional Oromo marriage counseling
In the first section of this chapter, social and cultural background of the Salale Oromo is discussed in line with that of the universal Oromo reality, i.e., socio-cultural and religious worldview of the society. What informants have to say substantiates available secondary sources on the social, cultural and religious realities of the people. In what follows themes and patterns of the traditional Oromo marriage counseling is presented with particular emphasis on that of the Salale.
4.1.3.1 Pre-marriage counseling
Pre-marriage counseling includes training, educating, informing, and advising youngsters to prepare them for demand of life in general and marriage life in particular. In Oromo culture there is no preset age of marriage. Particularly in old days, early marriage was common. Females can marry—make promise to marry—as early as five years of age if parents are interested in each other and need to build affiliation and family connection. Sometimes parents promise to give their daughter to somebody´s son, even before the children are born, a tradition known as garatti waal qabachuu, i.e., married in womb. In the present day, because of the country´s legislation and children´s right, early marriage is not common. In most cases, age of marriage is above 18 (Informants 1,2).
Informants 3 &6 also explained that previously there is no predetermined age of marriage in their customary law. Nowadays it is determined. Based on the country´s legislation, customary laws were also revised. Marriage, almost in all cases, is based on the will and interest of the parties. Informants 4 &7 stated that" Age of marriage according to the legislation of the country is above 18. Sometimes there are cases where marriage is concluded between 15 and 18. Such is the case when the boy and the girl are in love relationship and urge their parent to conclude marriage. We, as community elder, advise them to stay by engagement until 18, informants said to the researcher. If they do not agree, marriage is concluded in fear of the consequences like pregnancy.
Pre-marriage counseling starts with educating children feminine and masculine roles at early age. As they grow up, and approach to marriage, advice, close follow up and education become more intense and specific.
i) Goal and agents of pre-marriage counseling
The goal of pre-marriage counseling is not merely advising and counseling. It includes: teaching children feminine and masculine roles at early ages, ritual activities, socialization and family life. Once engaged, they are resorted to specific issues which they are going to experience in their married life in the near future.
Agents of the orientations and counseling are parents, cloth kinships, peers and elders of the clan, traditional religious / ritual leaders. Informants and leaders of modern religions in the area, e.g., Orthodox Church, told the researcher that people less often or in no time come to Church for counseling services related to marriage than purely for religious purposes (Informants 3, 12, & 18). From what is generally observable in this socio-cultural milieu, traditional community leaders and religious or ritual performers are more frequently consulted for such serious cases as marriage and other social affairs believed to have some direct bearings on the societal common good.
Boys acquire the service from males: father, male elders, and age mates. Whereas, girls get it from females: mother, female elders, and peers (Informants 1,2,3,5,&7). There are also opportunities where they obtain the same service from both sex even though it is not common (Informants 2,&6).
ii) Contents of pre-marriage counseling
a) Pre-marriage counseling for girls
In pre-marriage education, the girl is trained and skilled in every possible aspect of life to be a full woman, motherly. The major contents are productive and non-productive chores: preparing food, home management and self-care, bearing and rearing children, social activities and responsibilities, cultivating, hoeing, weeding, harvesting, threshing and winnowing, and sexual life (Informants1,3,6,&7). As she approaches to marry, she learns and practices being and becoming good wife to her husband, good mother to her children, and good mix to the society. She goes through various initiation ceremonies and passage rites to experience womanhood and exercise responsibilities (Informants6&7).
To practice such activities there are no such planned and scheduled time and place. Every time is learning time. Young girls learn by observing their mother, elder sisters and any woman said to be knowledgeable in the nearby. Then they start participating and getting involved to learn deeply and prove their performance. There are also ritual ceremonies on which elders teach and advise young girls. To mention one: on one ritual ceremony called Ateetee, female divinity rite, young girls are told to look outside, that is to show that she is going to marry, and that this is not her lasting residence and she belongs to other family which is not yet known. Thus, she is expected to act accordingly so that she can get a nice husband, which is her permanent life mate (Informant 1).
Moreover, on the ceremony, she is given blessings, i.e., ebba, words of good will, success in all endeavours, and long and prosperous life:
bidden furdaan siif ha bahu
abidda furdaadhaan si ha gahu
qalbii si ha gudisu
jiraadhu, jireenya argadhu.
have Life and have it in abundance
be your Fire light to the endless
your Mind open always
live long life, prosper
The blessings have a long-lasting message for the unmarried girls. It serves as a golden rule to be alert in all her life and it has some motivating power to achieve a successful life. Blessing informs young girls and boys that marriage is important and imperative for propagation and to be more productive and socially responsible ´Somebody´ in the respective society. Besides it prepare the girl psychologically for future marriage life (Informants 5&7).
Mothers and old females focus on training girl for productive and non-productive house chores: food preparation, home management, sewing and knitting, basketry, etc. While peers and elder sisters advise, direct and counsel on sexual issues, and relationship with in-laws, best men are responsible to help adapt to the new environment after marriage (Informants 7&8). Informant 8 says, her elder sister advised her about relationship with boyfriend (wadajii), and not to have sex before marriage. Another informant (9) explains that what her mother told her about sexual issues and relationships was limited. It was from her friends that she learnt more. With age-mates, married or unmarried, she added, she discussed and shared information regarding sexual life without fear. Especially, married friends informed her from their own practical experience.
An engaged girl requires her much to be happy in her marriage; respecting her husband is one such crucial issue for he to abide by. According to this informant (9) girls are informed the importance of respecting and caring for husband. Dhirsii ofii kafana ofiiti, namni kafana malee hinmiidhagu, she told the researcher. That is to mean, a husband is one´s attire; without husband, one is nude.
In relation to respect, tolerance and patience are taught as key elements of the Golden Rules in such a serious human relationship as marriage. Informant 1 explains girls are advised to tolerate problems whatever in their relation with husband and in-laws. Otherwise, minor difference and disagreements can lead to serious conflict, which affects a healthy relationship, even leads to divorce. Such traditional counseling activities as advising, orienting or teaching are not in such a planned fashion as in modern counseling. Rather it is through presenting oral narrative stories, proverbs, parables and fables, to which children are exposed from early age to that fireside schooling.
Above all, oral culture makes the young people more keenly observant, more sensitively and sensibly responsive towards themselves, fellow human beings and the environment. One informant further goes to say, If we simply tell our girls what to do, it may not satisfy them. For example, if I advise my young girl to tolerate, she can´t know to what extent she is expected to tolerate. So to avoid confusions we present our personal experience in an oral narrative form (informant 6).
b) Pre-marriage counseling for boys
At all age-grades from the gaammee through the dabbllee and foollee to the adult age, an individual lives up to certain parental and societal expectations. To fulfill or fail to fulfill those expectations depends on the individual person´s exposure to every kind of training, advice and orientation and/or counseling.
Like girls, boys are also prepared for life from all perspectives to be a full man. Starting as early as possible, both training and responsibility step up. As already discussed, the young child learns his extended family history and history of his society, names of neighboring communities and relations with them, geography of the region, breeding cattle and caring, nature of soils and seasons, and moral/social skills.
At early age, boys take up task considered as men´s role in the community: herding cattle, farming, harvesting, making fences and kraals, burns and plows. A young boy assists his father through all that staff and build up his basic life skills. Besides, it is on such practical occasions, like in the farm field, where the father teaches to and counsels his son about every demand of life, merits of a strong farmer, and good personality (Informant 4&5).
In line with boy´s training, one informant says that before marriage, what boys learn is practical aspects of life skill. They see and observe what it requires to be a good father, a responsible and successful husband. Values and norms, characters of being husband and father and socializing with new family are trainings almost part of the young boy´s everyday life.
Another informant stresses on mate selection. Advising young boys not to focus only on physical appearance rather on other qualities is paramount. According to this informant, the view that the researcher has come to share, it is behavior and/or temperament that governs human appearance, and less often the other way around. To live in harmony with Uumaa and Uumama (God and nature) what matter most are social and moral skills, respecting Waaqa and elders, respecting each other and, most of all, hard working (Informant 1).
One informant strongly believes that emphasis should be on teaching the boys to be self- dependent, self-sufficient and to exercise sense of responsibility: Qabeenyi warraa, lagaa si hinceesisu. Qalbii godhadhu, kashilabuummaan namaa gad si godha (informant 5). That is, relying on parent´s wealth does not make one wealthy. It is rather the great effort that one makes at own young age that makes wealth. This comes through a due care, close follow-up, and serious counseling starting from young age. Initiating young boys to have own property is highly emphasized in pre-marriage counseling. One boy said, qeerrummaan gudunfaa godhachuu baannaan, niitii maal fuuta? Atuu niitiidhaa! The way he put caught the researcher with a surprise: if one does not make wealth when one is still a bachelor, how come one thinks of marriage, he is a wife himself, literally, dependent himself?
Boys (and girls less often) are encouraged to work hard and possess property starting from their early age. They rear chicken, then sheep or goat and sell those to have a heifer or a bullock at their age of a bachelor called qeerroo.
This is the case in such a patriarchal society where men are the sole source of income to the family. If the husband fails to cover the expense of home for no good reason, this can lead to marital conflicts and even divorce as a final resort. Therefore, the above informant´s observation increases the researcher´s conviction about having own property and the social meaning of self-dependence.
Boys give testimony valuing the pre-marriage advice and information they get from elders. One boy-informant states,
I respect and use advice of my father and other community elders. It is useful. They tell us what they learned from their elders previously and what they know from their own life experience. It is good for us as young to be informed before we get immersed blankly in a new life (Informant 10).
The same informant summarizes the advice and counseling he acquires from his father and community elders as saying:
My father says to me one proverb: haadha ilaalii, intala fuudhi. That is, while mate selection, focus should be equally on the mother: her manner, her words and deeds, what she values and chooses, etc. My father also initiated me to have own property and to work hard. Once I get engaged, now he advises me not to listen to others gossip about my fiancée and to avoid such interference builds mutual trust between us. Lack of such a care erodes our mutual trust and love.
This informant assured the researcher that parental pre-marriage counseling and elders´ orientation is valued most as having practical implications in a successful married life of the young person.
Another informant also explained that premarital counseling and education has helped him to be informed and build confidence in life. There is a collective rule in the community in every aspect of life including marriage. By the age of marriage, all have satisfactory information regarding the rules, dos and don´ts. This informant is confident that now he is ready both physically and psychologically to embark on a new life: he is well skilled in farming and, therefore, successful, and that now he can manage and head his home with abundance and peace. If something new happens in life, he said, he solves it with his wife through discussion. If the case is serious and they could not solve it, they present it to community elders. This informant has rightly observed that, in such a close follow-up and serious scrutiny, divorce is almost impossible or difficult without thorough deliberation and consideration (Informant 11).
While summing up pre-marriage counseling to the boy and the girl, it may be useful at this point to give a brief account of a conclusive remark on wedding day. Pre-marriage counseling continues up until the wedding day. On the wedding ceremony, community elders bless the couple and forward parental and communal expectations to the would-be husband and wife, and pray to Waaqa to help them in all adversities and endeavours in marriage. The content of the blessing, ebba, is good will of the parents and relatives, and, in a way, promises the two need to make for peace and harmony and success in life:
walitti horaa, jalduuf qamuu ta´a
hidda dhiigee hincinne nu ha godhu
fira milkki nu ha godhu
deechee ishii maale deemtee ishii nu hindhageechisin
dhugaan tulluu, dharri sulula haa ta´u
saani asitti ya horu, mucayyoon achitti ya hortu
moortuun giddduudhaa ha baddu
propagate, bear prosper: one in breast one on the back
may Waaqa help us remain our blood mingle
may Waaqa help us succeed in all our endeavours
may news be of her deliver, prosper, not her failure
may Truth remain lofty as a Mount, and Lie, lowly as a rift
bear calves, rear children
may no evil befall you all!
4.1.3.2 In-marriage-post-marriage counseling: themes and patterns
In the last section of the thesis, it has been discussed that contents of the traditional pre-marriage counseling in the area vary from social and moral skills to psychological preparation for marriage. In what follows, implications of those premarital orientations and / or lack of them, tradiotnal ways of resolving domestic conflicts / violences and coping mechanisms, and ways of keeping the marraige intact are presented.
i) Common causes of marital conflicts
In human relations, conflict is obvious to occur even though the degree differs. In Oromo tradition, there is the safuu moral and social divine order that makes check and balance to every human/natural and divine/supernatural entities including marital relations. Conflict can occur, however, to the extent that it shakes the base of the contractual agreement and bring home to demolish. What matters is its degree, intensity and regularity. Causes of marital conflicts are diverse and include: adultery, extramarital relationship, laziness, jealousy, infertility, family interference, children, poor communication, lack of love and respect. Economic insecurity also can cause a major conflict.
There are various means of tackling such instabilities and maintaining married life. Oral culture of the society, as elsewhere argued in this chapter, is one binding force: e.g., Proverbs:
suunsumiifi eeleenuu walitti bu´a
nama ta´ee kan irraa hingorre, hindogogorree fi mukaa ta´ee kan hin aarre hinjiru
meaning,
even the pun and the pun-support can collide
to err is human, so much as fire burns wood smokes. A matter of fact!
Such words of wisdom support the above thoughts and suppositions that the tradition by itself is strongly restrictive than permissive. Hence, an individual autonomy is at its limit in such a communal society. Regular conflicts and violence on daily basis are abandoned and strictly criticized. Elders say goojjoon aaraa, Waxabajjii ha gubattu; meaning, a home of quarrel better burn in June—this month of June, there is no thatching grass.
ii) In-marriage counseling: goal and agents
Both females and males have roles in dealing with marital cases and conflicts. To give information, advice, and settle minor disputes, men and women elders have almost equal social responsibility to save marriage. However, when the case becomes serious and growing more and more divisive, the role of men and women mediators differs.
There are traditional institutions functional to resolve conflicts on the basis of customary laws. In some areas, among the Ittu and Humbanna (Arsi), for instance, the siinqee institution is still viable to protect women from male-caused domestic violence. In this case, all women in the near-by protest against the husband and run out on a strike for successive days to echo the voice of the woman said to be harassed (Hussen,2007). Among the Salale in the area of the research, siinqee is not functional. Informants have very related experience about the role of men and women in offering in-marriage counseling in the area.
Men elders give help both counseling and solving the problem based on customary laws.
Whereas women prepare, inform and advise the wife counselee to conform to elders´ advice and to live by seera biyyaa, i.e., the customary laws, to know her rights and responsibilities, but not to take action in a haste, such as break the marriage (Informants2,5,6&7). Informants 1,&6 have the view that elder females have great contribution working as consultants for male elders while mediating the marital conflict.
There are women more enlightened than men counterparts, assertive and well informed about the customary laws and can assume every role of the community elder. One informant confirmed saying, nowadays the government is facilitating females´ involvement and it seems fruitful (Informants4,&6).
iii) Patterns of in-marriage counseling
Among the Salale Oromo, in-marriage counseling has two patterns:
Pattern 1: the couple are not in conflict but either one of them or both have confusion, adjustment problems, need information or clarification, experience stress or any problem which they think need consulting others.
Pattern II: the couple have disagreements or quarrel and not able to come to terms and solve problems themselves. Such is the case when the wife leaves her home and flee because of persistent disagreement, or when she is in her home even though they have frequent disputes and growing conflicts.
Counseling Pattern I
Whatever the case, in need of help the couple are firstly resorted to seek advise and help of husband´s family. Informants unanimously agree that husband´s parents help the couple in every aspect; show them direction until they get accustomed to the new life (Informants 1,3, &7) whenever the couples are in need. One informant (6) states that the newly wed couple stay in the home of the husband´s family for sometime (in most cases 2 to 6 moths). It is time for further training, close follow up and adapting the bride to the new environment and to best practices under the close supervision of the mother-in-law. Constantans and agents of the bride in-marriage, according to this informant, include: the mother-in-law, wives of elder brothers, if any, relatives and the first best-man.
They help her how to overcome the stress and fear of new relationship and environment. It is common and expected after sometime that there can be disagreement between the bride and the mother in-law. Nevertheless, during the first days, the critical time, the mother in-law is source of information and help for the bride (Informants 2,7).
Other agents are involved in counseling depending on the type and intensity of the problem. If the help is needed for personal use, elders of the same sex are consulted in most cases. i.e., females usually consult their mother, aunts, age mates, and any practitioner in the nearby. Whereas males are resorted to male practitioners (Informants3,4,6). However, if the service is needed for the partner, if one of the couple believes her/his partner requires counseling and advice, elders from opposite sex are also consulted. This is because there is an expectation in the community that females themselves can best handle females´ problems and males get suitable help from male elders (informants 1,7). Consulting elders from opposite sex also works and is not overlooked.
According to the informants, themes of in-marriage counseling to resolve the case as in pattern 1 differ. Nevertheless, whatever the case, since it is to maintain marital relationship, elders prefer defining the problem in a relationship context, not as personal problem attributed to one partner (Informants1,3,7,12). For example, in spite of the type of the problem at hand, traditional counselors give the following:
wal mari´adhaa jiraadhaa. Waan mana keessan diigu wal duuba hingodhinaa. Garaa wal hinhanqatinaa. Marii dhabuun goojjoo jigsa. Goojjoo jiksuun immo ijoollee offi bittinnessuudha. Isin kana booda ofii qofa miti kan jiraattan, ijoollee keessaniifisi. Ijoollee kana bakkan gahuutu isinirra jira. Ofiifis, isiniifis, biyyaafis akka ta´an. Yoo kana hintanee garuu, ijoolleen kashlabbee taati, hattuu taati, biyyatti ba´aa taati jechuudha.
Discuss, confer and settle differences. Do not do things that break your marriage and your family. Once you break, your children disperse. They become a liability instead of being an asset. Care for them, help them to become Somebody. Note that they succeed in life and achieve some goal if you live at peace and in harmony. Tolerate. Endure. Learn to live for your children. You are not rivals. You are Husband and Wife, Father and Mother.
Here elders emphasize on matters that are domestic and communal, social and moral, and of some significance to the couple, the children, and the society at large. Issue of child rearing and living for children by subordinating personal affairs is also emphasized.
Counseling Pattern II
When a marital problem is serious and the couple and the family cannot resolve, it is common for the wife to flee her home. She may decide it herself when she can´t bear the problem. According to the informants, she most often resorts to run away when she thinks she has exhausted every possible option in her reach and sometimes to save her live in the case of physical abuses. She does not go away permanently. It is one means for the woman to protest and to present her problem before elders any concerned body that her marital problem needs attention and help of others, including community elders and/or traditional counselors. Once she left home, the husband negotiates and consults elders to interfere. His intention is to get counseling service as to how to maintain peace and get the conflict resolved (Informants 1,2,6,7)
Sessions and processes
The steps and process of counseling according to informants is summarized as follows.
Sessions 1: Husband consults the traditional counselor
When the man in need of help goes to traditional counselor, the traditional counselor welcomes the person with greeting and good gesture of solidarity. The counselor asks almost about everything general and particular: children, cattle, neighbour, harvest, grass, water, etc. With these words of good will and nagaa / solidarity, and after coffee is served or something tom bite, the counselor gradually gives the guest a signal to present purpose of his visit. The counselee uses this as an opportunity to present freely and clearly causes of the problem before the counselor since he may have some confusion where to start. The counselor stays silent on active listening. After some deliberation, the counselor paraphrases the problem to make sure whether the perceived and the real problem presented by the client match. Before departing, the counselor sets a schedule for the second meeting after the counselor contacts the wife of the client.
Sessions 2: Traditional counselor contacts the wife
The traditional counselor speaks to the client´s wife at her temporary residence, in most cases her parent´s home. To break the ice, talks vary from issues of social or communal to personal wellbeing. Through the converse, the counselor gives her some clue of the basic agenda so that she begins presenting the problem. Her mother or other person, which she supposes as helpful, can attend the discussion and help her in straightening the narration to keep the matter on the right track. Informants agree that such is the case when the woman is young and less experienced of discussing freely with the counselor.
The counselor does not delve into the crux of the matter from the outset; he stays on active listening. Once she is done, the problem clearly presented removing the chaff, the counselor asks the woman what she plans, i.e. what the solution could be in her view. The counselor reflects on what she proposes as a working solution. If what she forwards seems useful and fair, the counselor builds on it and guarantees her to discuss with her husband, tell her to cool down and investigate her own contribution into the conflict, etc. Traditional counselors use different strategies to care for client´s feelings and moral. Some present similar, and even, serious cases from their experience, tell stories, say parables and proverbs. Proverbs like,
nama ta´ee kan hingorre hindogoggorre, muka ta´ee kan hinaaree hinjiru
to err is human, so much as fire burns wood smokes. A matter of fact!
are a common proverb relevant to settling disputes. This is to stress that it is not to make mistakes in life but to learn from one´s mistake and take some corrective measures. At last, a schedule is set for a conjoint session.
Sessions 3: Counselor—husband second-round meeting
This session is the final session where the traditional counselor pins down and clearly defines the problem based on the previous sessions. The counselor discusses with the husband on issues which he deems relevant: what the wife´s complaints are, roots of the problem, what she expects to see improved from the husband´s side etc. The discussion is concluded by informing the husband the appointment time and place decided by the counselor and the man´s wife. The husband is informed the final schedule set for the tripartite peace-talk, as it is.
Sessions 4: The traditional counselor and the counselees´ conjoint talks
The counselor opens the by presenting similar cases or by telling stories before he comes to the case at hand. Informants say that this is done to soften the hearts of the clients and to give them chance to reflect forgiveness. It is deliberately to inform the clients how marriage life is demanding, that relationship always needs sacrifices and subordinating personal need to the common good. Clients actively but diligently involve in the discussion while listening, giving ideas and information when needed. Informants say that traditional marriage counseling is future-oriented. That is, discussion focuses on what should be done in the future than what happened to the relation, or to the humans committed to the relation. The traditional counselor uses strategy different from the modern counseling. Traditional marriage counseling involves not only advising, informing, etc, but warning and cautioning—gorsaatis lolaatis—and levying social and moral obligations on the clients to abide by the safuu biyyaa, i.e., norms and conventions. Finally, the session is concluded by the clients forgiveness undertaking some solemn wadaa or vows and promises not to violate nagaa and to live in harmony.
Sessions 5: Follow up
In traditional counseling, follow up has equal weight and importance at every step. Where there is no a close follow up, the counselee comment the traditional counselor as saying,
Maal taatanillee nuun hinjenne, achumaan callise, maalif hafee laata?
He hasn´t turned around and checked if are on the right course. But, why not?
The follow up is in an informal fashion: the clients may invite the traditional counselor to their home, merely to show him their respect that if it were not for his support, they would be no more. This, no doubt, gives chance to the counselor to observe the client´s present condition. Here, follow up is not necessarily by schedule and appointment for additional sessions like in the modern counseling. The counselor can elicit from the client whether or not there are improvements, if no, to take some remedial actions. Wherever the traditional counselor meets the client at a marketplace, on the daboo cooperative work, on religious ceremonies and other social gatherings such as weddings, funeral ceremonies etc, he/she asks the client if there is improvement or not. Based on the information gained from the client, the counselor decides if something should be done by way of taking some remedial action.
One case presented by informant 3 is summarized as follows:
The wife does not have respect for he husband and for the in-laws, and spends most her time chatting and drinking coffee with fellow-women in the neighbors. The couple severely quarreled. After a thorough counseling and advising sessions, the counselor asked the husband about the progress and found that the problem still exists. Another time, the counselor met the wife, to treat again the problem indirectly, without telling her that he talked to the husband. The counselor presented facts, stories and related experiences relevant to correcting such persistent behaviours as hers. The mother-in-law should be treated like a biological mother. Otherwise, it will be daabaa, sin, passed on to her own son that she might be treated likewise by her son´s wife. Or the same daabaa will go on to her daughter.
There is this common belief that all the wrongs done by parents are inherited by the offspring. The safuu concept of distancing oneself from breaking the rules and moral codes set by the society is a strong binding force.
Success or failure of traditional marriage counselor depends on the counseling experience of the counselor. There are some expected qualities of a traditional counselor informants proposed.
iv) Qualities of a good traditional counselor
1. In the eyes of the community, elders are highly respected. Every person is welcomed and given opportunity for counseling irrespective of the kind of the problem. Individual difference is acknowledged so long as it is not against group right, culture and moral or social wellbeing of others. To illustrate this there are sayings like,
akkuma bifa keenyaa keessi keenyas adduumaani,
our inner self, much like our outer self, is different
garaan haadhaa babaruudha
the same mother´s womb is multi-colored
This is to mean that differences are tolerable if they do not violate the set standards and deviate from the common factor, i.e., the shared value. The problem is evaluated, criticized, acknowledged or condemned based on the set rules and norms, the safuu. The counselor can give advice and sometimes can warn (gorsaatis lolaatis) where necessary.
2. While dealing with the problem the counselor gives equal chance and opportunity to the counselors to present their problem and to choose what they deem important etc. A traditional counselor does not take part. Siding with either counselor is violating safuu and committing cuubbu[xuurii namatti ta´a]. It is considered as transgression against the will of Waaqaa. His effort is to offer help to keep peace at equilibrium between the couple, not to affect either of them. It is if and only if they strictly follow this same right track that Waaqaa recognize their effort and softens the hearts of the clients to abide the rule of customary law and forgive and forget to hold a grudge.
3. Present cases from personal life experience, be it success or failure, if relevant
4. The traditional counselor does not charge for services s/he offers. As community elders, counselors spend most of their time working as adviser, counselor, mediator and source of information. Elders are masters of the Indigenous Knowledge (IK) and sources of coping mechanisms during such hard times and in the faces of adversities. Elders have every commitment that can vary from social to religious consultants. Informant 2 explained this as saying the clients payback in sticking to their promises and living up to their words, and that the priceless value is the peace and harmony at family level, village, and the community at large; hoo ollan rafe rafan, he went on to say, meaning, where the neighbour is at peace, so you are. The community elders have waadaa, i.e., a covenant, not to ask any fee in charge. Respecting waadaa is respecting God, violating it is disgraceful before God. Of their own accord, peoples help traditional counselors in farm in daboo cooperative work. There may be moderate invitations to acknowledge the public support.
5. Community leaders are ready for change; they are not change resistant. For example, butii/buttaa or abduction / forced marriage and marriage by kallacha, i.e., insisting on marrying by unfailingly forcing the parents under some religious enactments as carrying kallacha, a ceremonious staff not to be carried out casually in public is nowadays frowned at. It is widely accepted as violating females´ human right, and commonly perceived as immoral, as against the rule of law. Elders do not cooperate in unlawful deeds though previously functional. This shows that tradition is not change resistant. .
4.1.3.3 Techniques of traditional marriage counseling
In traditional counseling, there are plenty of techniques employed to deal effectively with various marriage related cases. Even though it is impossible to list exhaustively and narrate them all, the researcher prefers to present the techniques setting them in their purposes and themes as follows.
i) To probe problems
An informant says a client coming for help prefers reporting partner´s weakness, mistakes etc, rather than telling own faults and flaws. Apparently, the client may have fear, lack of confidence, etc to present the problem in cases associated with sexual relation, serious mistakes considered as cubbuu, sin, and violate the culture of the society. The traditional counselor firstly listens to the client, and later uses techniques, e.g., saying proverbs, telling relevant stories, to encourage the client to tell the truth and to investigate further into the underlining problem (Informants1,6).
Proverbs
Namni dhukkuba isaa dhokse qoricha hin argatu
One hides he is sick, one gets no cure.
Du´a dhoksanii awwala eessaan dhaqan?
One hides death, where to take the dead, and the funeral?
The first proverb confirms that a person cannot get the right medication unless he/she tells his true history, i.e., relevant symptoms, and cooperate with the medicine-man/woman for a thorough diagnosis. In the same way the second proverb explains if a death of one person is kept secret, it is impossible to hide the funeral. Minor problems can be kept secrete, what if they grow to conflict and divorce, which are not to remain secrete, for how long? Therefore, such sayings and proverbs describe the importance of transparency in counseling. Besides if, a person keeps minor problems as secret to escape the feedback and judgments of the counselor and community, at last the problem will get complicated. It cannot be secret anymore and the loss will doubly hurt the partners and the family.
Presenting options
Even though the client persists to keep the matter secrete, there are possible problems presumed by the traditional counselor, and to one set of problems, this particular case may belong in the catalogue.
One such case is presented next (Informant 3):
The wife goes to the traditional counselor seeking help. She presents her problem as saying,
´I don´t know what happen to my husband, he is not happy. Previously, he enjoys playing with our kids and me. We discuss everything and had good communication. Now he completely changed. He is silent. His responses are offensive and negative. We failed to communicate and discuss. What shall I do´?
And the dialogue goes on ands on:
Counselor [C]: Have he nay quarrel either with you or with anyone?
Client [Cl.]: To my knowledge, no.
C] Think hard and tell me if you have disappointed him or have done something wrong.
Cl.]: Nothing on my part, I assure you. You better ask him personally
C]: It may be minor. And he may perceive it as serious. Funyaan yoo dhahan, ijatu booha, The root of the problem may be somewhere. So think of it and tell me the root of the problem so that we can get solution in a short time.
Cl]: I don´ think this is a serious problem. Last time he was complaining our scarce resources to make the living. He mentioned things like, I should stop giving birth, and, he added to my irritation that we go to the nearby Clinic in the morrow. I furiously rejected the idea. There is no any disagreement.
This time, the counselor can temporarily define the problem on the basis of the client´s testimony and can further employ techniques, while collecting relevant and adequate data from either side, to plan and work on it accordingly.
ii) To evade further disagreement
There is this widely known philosophy among the elders and traditional counselors, namely, sobanii araarsuu, meaning, to use falsity, no mere logic, to resolve conflicts. On the surface, it looks like resolving problems using false statements as a technique. However, the exact meaning according to the informants is different. According the Informants traditional counselors themselves, [Informants 2,5,6,] the technique of sobaanii ararsuu is used when one partner commits a grave mistake but makes a covenant, waadaa, not to repeat. Dealing with the problem time and again avails not; so, the other side is advised not to hold a resentment, and to dhiisuu, i.e., to forget and forgive. Dealing with the problem any more spoils the relation and the attempt to pacify.
Secondly, if clients attribute the problem to either side, the counselors prefer dealing with the underlying problem centering the couple. Solution for the problem is discussed closed, with the person who committed it, usually after the case is over. It would be adding an insult to wound dealing the matter anymore with the partner said to be hurt.
Lets observe the case to follow (Informant 6)
The husband consults the traditional counselor complaining with his wife that she is lazy and reluctant. He told her many times but she could not improve. One day he was upset and beat her, to which she responded by fleeing her home.
What is more, the client added,
boosettiidha, waan ishiin hojjette hinmiyaa´u. Anuu ishii danda´ee obseetan, akkana tatii
meaning, she is not good at cooking and home keeping. But I tolerated all her weakness, and she never changes.
While dealing with such a case, the traditional counselor employs the above-mentioned conflict resolution technique, sobaanii araarsuu. Other issues are discussed and solved with the couple. The counselor does not tell the wife that her husband described her to be boosettii to care for her. This does not mean to undermine the problem. So, the counselor indirectly elicits from the client to tell from her own experience qualities of a good women: to know husband´s expectations, to know his favorite food and drink, and to identify his likes and dislikes. For example, to prepare locally brewed beer called farsoo, it requires a special skill, and also to make mead or booka. The counselor can help her get some practical skills through consultancy and apprenticeship with skilled women in the village.
According to the informants, this counseling technique sobaani araarsuu is not overlooking the seriousness of the problem, but it is meant not to save marriage, and to treat the clients saying to err is human, but inability to learn from one´s mistake is a deficiency.
iii) To facilitate decision making
Informants have it that decision-making is imperative and it is not easy. Any decision has its own merit and demerit. And indecision is a severe problem when it comes to such a serious matter as to make or to break marriage. A person cannot make decision where every thing he needs and prefers could be satisfied. If one gets something when he thinks he needs it, life would be meaningless. The most important thing in decision-making on marital issues is that, others are out there waiting what comes out: the partner, the children and, at large, the community to subordinate own interest and preferences (Informants4,5,6).
Decision should not be in hurry. There is this proverb that goes, Jarjaran jiruun hinjirtu, meaning, Haste makes waste. One has to learn to wait, develop sense of perseverance, and prudence to make decisions in married life that affect others severely. Otherwise, the consequence could be regret, additional conflict, disagreement and loss (Informants 1,2).
Traditional counselors are well acquainted with nature of decision and decision-making procedures, much the same way as modern legal procedures. Therefore, they have their own strategies to treat clients in case of problems associated with decision-making. One such strategy is presenting options with their possible outcomes for clients who are confused, feel unsafe and unable to decide.
An Informant presents a case to follow (Informant 3):
The couple have marital conflict for a long time. Families, neighbors, and community elders have seen their case for various times. However, the root of the problem was always there, that is, there are stepchildren from the previous wife. The children do not respect the wife, now the stepmother. They quarrel most of the time. As a result, she decides to divorce because she found that the problem is unbearable. She flee home and asks community elders to process her divorce case. Now the husband consults a traditional counselor. He presents the problem as follows,
My wife left her home because of my children. She could not agree with them. I have asked her time and again to tolerate. She refused and decided to divorce. What shall I do? Would you advise her not to break the family?
The traditional counselor asks the client if their relationship is healthy and based on mutual trust. The client says, they do not have any problem. She is hard working, good at home management. They are doing well together. Reason of disagreement is that she could not tolerate the children.
The counselor observes the case and after a due deliberation says,
you are happy with your wife. So you do not want to loss her, on the one hand. On the other hand, your wife does not need to live with you because of the stepchildren. Here you need to look for options. Because you need both of them, you can not force her to bear the problem Therefore, I present the following as alternative solutions: One, to solve your problem with her, you need to discuss with your parent and put your children with the grandparents. You fulfill their needs and demands whatever while you involve your wife to decide on financial issues. This is a practical solution for many individuals with such a problem like yours. Yours is not very special. Such is common. It is good for children too, to be with grandparents. Second option is, to accept your wife´s decision (divorce) since the disagreement may lead to serious problems. This is not something you decide and practice here-and-now. Take time, exhaust the two options with her and with the children, where you think relevant, and finally tell me the result.
4.1.3.4 Divorce counseling
i) Community attitude towards divorce
The community of the study area has their own understanding and viewpoint regarding divorce. According to my informants, divorce is not an accepted and acknowledged practice unless causes are forcing to. Hence, couples exhaust every possible solution either themselves or by the help of others to save marriage from breaking. Tolerance and endurance are key precepts in the life philosophy of the people, not only in marriage. One Informant says, the Oromo believe that opsaan aannan goromsaa dhuga. This is to mean, only a tolerant can drink a heifer´s milk, i.e., better later than never. It shows the positive outcomes of tolerance. This does not mean every problem should be tolerated. If it is thought it can have negative consequences, other means´s are looked for, like divorce, in the case of marriage, as one last resort (Informants5,7).
Still to another informant, (2),
there is no predestined rule regarding reasons which lead to divorce as a must. If the person is ready to show behavioral change and admit his fault, forgiving and agreement is preferred. However, if it continues, and do not show positive changes, as elders, we take care in handling the case. For example if the husband is drunker and beat his wife frequently, we do not enforce her to tolerate, rather we guide her to processes divorce to save her life, otherwise it may risk her life.
Others add,
erga wajjin jiraachuun balaa qabatee, wal hiikuun akkuma araaraatti ilaalama. Hiikuunis dubbii hiika, araaruma.
That is, f it is apparent and evident that living together damages either partner or both, divorce is the right decision and considered as agreement. At least one has to agree to disagree. If the divorce case is processed in the right way, the couple see each other as brother and sister after divorce.
In the case of divorce, the couple seek advice and relevant information about customary laws, and other important issues from family, friends and community elders. However, the decision to divorce or not to divorce is that of the couple. The informants unanimously agree as saying, bultii namaatti murteessuun cubbuu dha, daabas namatti ta´a That is, no one can push the couple for divorce as the only alternative. To do so, it is cubbuu, sin, and sin-to-inherit to one´s children. That inflicts God´s wrath unto us (Informants 4,5,6,16).
ii) Steps in divorce counseling
Step 1: Counseling before divorce
Individuals consult the traditional counselor when they decide divorce to be a final resort. At first, the counselor asks the client why he/she thinks divorce to be one final option, if the case is new and not repeated. If the counselor already knows the case and had dealt with it previously, the discussion starts with the client´s presentation of his/her plan.
According to the informants divorce should be the last choice after exhausting every possible solution: Ni araarsina jenna malee, addaan hiikna hinjennu, which means, we deal with the case to create agreement and save the marriage, but not to break.
Informant 5 says,
I advise not to decide quickly. I advise as saying, lama bulaa, sadii bulaa, irratti ilaalaa. Take time, think about the benefits and consequences of divorce, think about the fate of children etc. I use this as first step because individuals may decide emotionally rather than reasonably looking at the problem, and before exhausting possible solutions. Sometimes individuals may decide to divorce just to harm a partner not because of the intensity of their problem. Through carefully handling such cases, I have saved many marriages from break. That is why I stress it even though the decision is basically of the clients.
Another informant (IV) states,
divorce has time: addaan bahuunis yeroo itti miidhagu qaba. Erguma soddaa argatanii, akaakayyuu ta´anitti namarraa hinbareedus, fayidaas hinqabu.
It shows the badness of divorce at old age. The community elder adds, bidden baakahe jedhanii dhiisuun, tokko afaan godhataniiti malee, nyaatani fixaniitii miti.
That is, one can say this food is stale at the first taste, not after one has eaten his fill. Such a judgment is not fair, not judicious, either. So much so, lived together for a long age, now grand parents, to say the partner is weak is itself deficient.
Step 2: On-divorce counseling
Once the couple decided to divorce, community elders continue advising. The issues stressed are: briefing what customary laws say about divorce, the worth of peaceful divorce, how to ask their right in peaceful way and ways of emotion regulation.
CII described the content of divorce counseling at this stage as follows:
Odoo baasi wal hinbaasisin, odoo jibbi hinbaayyatin, hoo deemtes hoo teechees isin obolahaa waliiti. Kanaafuu, waan wajjin xaarrattani horattan hirattaniitoo, nagahaa walitti dhiifattaniitoo, waaliigaltee godhachuutu isinirra eeggama. Yoo kana ta´e, jaarsi biyyaa dhirsaaf nituummaa keesaan gara seera isinii barreessa.
The couples are advised to agree according to the customary law regarding their property, to forgive each other and promise to see each other as brother and sister. Not to hold a grudge and think of a revenge. If the couples agree, community elders will write a letter to the court stating that the couple have a serious case that the two persisted to resolve by divorce.
Step 3: Post-divorce counseling
After divorce the traditional counselor helps the divorcee for future adjustment, to overcome the emotional disturbances which result from divorce and, generally, in any aspect they taught the client need help (Informants 2,5,18).
In what follows, cases are presented to the researcher by divorcees and traditional counselors. The cases help to see areas of stress, strength and weakness of post-divorce counseling.
Case I. This client has divorced before two years. The reason of her divorce is that she is infertile. But she is a hardworking woman. She lived with her husband for ten years. Finally, her husband told her that he needs to have a child and need to marry another woman. And he divorced her. She presented the case as follows:
After divorce my feeling was so bad. I was almost mad. I lost my home and all. In addition, he abused my property. The community elders could not solve our case because he was not cooperative. They sent us to court. The case took long time and the justice did not prevail to my satisfaction. My mother died when I was a child, I did not have friends. I did not have any body around, except my father. Therefore, I was in problem. When he realized my condition, my father consulted one well-known community elder to advise me. It is after her advice and help I showed progress. She told me many facts from her relative experience, that being fertile is not by will or did, it is by ´Waaqaa´. She told me about fertile women who do not get chance of nurturing rearing their children; sometimes the mother die, sometimes the child. To think of parents who are disappointed by their children bad behavior. Therefore, God has plan for every thing. He knows why he did this. Finally, she told me that I could marry man who does not need children if I need to marry. She stressed on advising me not to loss my positive behaviors by staying in regret and sorrow.
Case II: The two have lived together for long time. They have seven children and grandchildren. After this long time of marital relation, they decided to divorce. The problem relates to sexual affair. The wife needs to quite it while the husband not. He narrates the cause of the conflict as follows:
My wife informed me that she does not want sex any more. She told me that our children said this to her. They warned her to stop giving birth and sex, because we are old enough. She decided accordingly. I was not consulted for the decision. I was against their decision but she refused. Then I started extramarital relationship. Now she became upset and asked for divorce. The counselor tried to convince her to go to clinic and use contraceptives, if that is really case. She said, "I do not need to disappoint my children. Once he started such relation I need divorce and living with my children peacefully".
They did divorce, the Informants sadly says, after divorce, she was happy, but the was not. His family disappointed him. After divorce, he consulted community elders about his future. Community elder presented the post-divorce help offered to him as follows:
In rural areas, it is difficult to stay single for a man. Remarriage is important. He also knows this. His fear was how the new wife could live with the children and previous wife in the compound. His fear was right. If the divorce was before their children marry and start independent living in the compound, after divorce, the wife, go to her parent, in most cases with children. However, this is not the case. After divorce, both husband and wife stay in the same compound but in separate house. If Y brings another woman there, she may not agree with the other family. Then I advised him to live his ´qehee´ and arrange another place possibly in the nearby town and manage his property. It was difficult for him. He considered it as shame. Finally he accepted my idea and found it useful".
Case III: This woman has divorced because she was not happy with her husband. On the one hand, her husband has love for her. Before divorce, she frequently left her home because of the same problem. Her father and community leaders advised her many times not to live her home, worth of marriage life and related issue. She returned back just in fear of them, not to break ´saafu´. However, she could not bear the problem and finally asked for divorce. Community elders asked her why saying, your husband is hard working, he loves you, and his family accepted you, what is your problem? If you thought to have another better life ignoring his love, it will affect you. His love could be ´daaba´ for you.
This time she decided to tell her problem to this Informant, a traditional counselor saying, Midhaanuu yoo namatti mi´ahee nyaatanii, annimoo inni naaf hintaane. Her problem relates to lack of sexual compatibility. The community elders did not accept her reason. It is not common and acceptable for women to complain sexual affairs. If the husband is happy, wife is expected to tolerate. Finally, the divorce is processed even though it is based on her will, no body except herself believed in the divorce as the only solution. Now she divorced for about four year. She lives alone with her eight years old son. Nobody helped her after divorce. Feeling humiliation, she leaved the area. She said, "Every body including the community elders opposed me. But I decided and took the risk. If my mother were alive, she might understand me better, or she would not do me harm like others: Gorsa miti, lolli hadha ofii nama fayyadaa. Now I am not happy with my life. I feel lonely. Everybody considers me as prostitute. On holidays I feel bad. My friends advise me to marry. I have fear. I know, I can make it. My problem is the issue of my child. I do not want to expose him to a stepfather. I Know what my stepmother did to me. Sometimes I say, let me marry, soon I change my mind. I am confused.
From the three cases presented above, it is evident that pre-divorce and on-divorce counseling is highly emphasized and effectively offered for every counselee irrespective of their background. However, it is observable that post-divorce counseling is offered only for those clients who are not against the culture and norms of the society. Those who violate the safuu and the existing norm are viewed as deviant.
Note
Picture: Marriage scenes among Arsi Oromos
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